Anyhow, I was just going through all the e-mail and deleting everything when I came across a message from LiveJournal. I've deleted my LiveJournal by now, but I had it for the longest time - since grade 10 'til the time I deleted it really (which was some time last year). One of the main reasons for deleting it was because I kept getting spam comments and it was just annoying.
But, there were a few times which I got real comments, and this was one time:
Somebody replied to your LiveJournal post in which you said: [present me: beware, your typical teenage angsty-emo post coming up]
There are so many things going on in my head. Actually, there are only two. But it just feels like so many things...Their reply was:
For organization's sake, I'll number them off.
NUMERO UNO:
I hate people. I really do. I can hardly stand anyone. I can hardly stand myself.
People are selfish. greedy. gluttonous. vain. too easily tempted. desperate. cowards. stupid. irresponsible. disrespectful. unkind. not loyal. materialistic. flashy. blind. unsympathetic. forgetful. psycho. screwed up. impolite. not generous. not helpful. imperfect.
This, of course, doesn't apply to everyone. There are some people who are way better than others.
NUMERO DEUX:
I'm often happy for people. Or at least, I show or say I am. What else am I supposed to say? "Yeah, whatever, that's great, go away." "Yay. Go enjoy the rest of your life." "Sure. Yeah. I think I should give you a standing ovation." "GTFO." If I said any of the aforementioned, everyone would probably be shocked. Because it would just simply be out-of-character for me.
But why do I always keep myself "in character"? I'm too conscious about what others think of me. I guess this is why I keep quiet. If I don't say anything, no one will judge me. No one will even think of me, know of me, or remember me.
NUMERO TROIS ET PLUS: (just came to mind) [present me: DINGDINGDING ALERT ALERT EXTREME TEEN ANGST ALERT]
I think I'm an ugly duckling.
I think people use me.
I think I'm just a piece of decoration.
I think people are out to get me.
I'm invisible.
people don't like me.
I'm the only one who's truly abnormal.
I should just stop. With things.
I'm not going to be successful in life.
I'm not going to be successful.
I'm not going to live until 80.
I'm not going to do anything important.
I'm not going to be found.
I'm not going to have a happy ending.
The only advice I can give you is to forget about other people. Because honestly, the only thing you can do in life is to be happy. Forget or change (this is the best) or ignore anything that gets in the way of your happiness. You sound like a very modest, nice and honest person who cares too much about other people. Just forget about them and focus on you. I know it sounds selfish on paper, but that is really all you can do. Because "people are stupid". Feel better.
I never found out if this was left by someone who knew me or knew of me in real life, but judging from the "You sound like a..." part, I would say it was from a total stranger who somehow ended up on my blog.
I don't think my teenage self ever really took the advice Anon left. I don't think I've really been more focused on myself than I have these past several months, even though it's still arguable that I'm not that much more focused on myself. I don't even know for sure if everything I'm doing right now is for me and only me, but a few things are certain:
a) I am caring less about people. Man, that sounds shitty. I still care about people; don't get me wrong. But I'm not letting other people bother me as much. Only the people relevant in my life matter. Only they can throw me off now, I guess.
b) I am caring less about what other people think of me. I still do care about what others think of me, and it is terrible, but I'm not as concerned with it as I probably was back in my glorious high school years.
c) I am still trying to figure out what kind of character I am, but I'm bit less rigid. I'm trying to come out of my shell a bit more; I'm letting myself be a bit more silly and angry and reckless.
d) Most of the things in NUMERO TROIS ET PLUS are still in my mind. But to a lesser extent.
Stay awesome.
P.S. AND GO TEAM CANADA.
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