Needless to say, I've fallen behind. And I'm not too sure if I'll be able to catch up, but I'll do my best. I'm thinking about writing two or three a day to catch up, but that will depend on whether I'm inspired or not.
And today, I'm not, so here's Day 11: Something you always think "what if" about.
For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wasn't ever ambitious. I haven't ever set any long-term goals for myself, besides "finish high school" and "finish university".
Most of what I've done in my life has been for my parents. They've been through a lot with coming to Canada as refugees and having to build their lives from nothing. And with what they had, they invested a lot it in me - time, effort, money, whatever resources they had, all to set me on a path that they wanted set me on which was and is undeniably be successful and rich.
And, yes, I really appreciate everything they've given to me that they weren't able to give as much to my younger siblings - extra attention personal attention to things like homework; more extracurriculars like piano lessons, Chinese classes, summer camps, and Kumon (side note: one of the few things that Kumon made me really good at was Mad Minutes. I was a friggin' beast at those); and almost all the toys I wanted (I was a spoiled brat). It's kinda amazing. But at the same time, it was all to keep me on this path they wanted me on.
When it came to deciding what to do after high school, my initial sights were set on going into music. Yup, a pretty different field from what I'm in now. My initial plan since grade 10 was to get a Bachelors of Music Education, go to teacher's college, and be a high school music teacher. My parents said no. We got into an argument about it sometime when I was in grade 12 - they said it wouldn't be a good career, that I wouldn't be making a lot of money, that I wouldn't be able to live a good life; I said it was the only thing I wanted to do - and truthfully, it was. It was devastating because the plan I had set for myself was essentially demolished and I was left back at square one, a couple of months before having to submit university applications.
In our argument, "WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A DOCTOR" slipped out. And so I chose science. Fast forward to the day after writing my last exam of undergrad, and I was literally lying on the floor, sobbing because I was back in the same hole. I didn't want to go to med school. I didn't know what the next step was. I didn't know what I wanted to do. Because all my life I had been following some checklist my parents made up for me.
At the moment, I don't regret going the route I did. I have great friends. I'm a decent person. I've enjoyed learning what I have learned. I'm going to be a doctor. I'm going to do and be part of great things. I'm going to help people. And I'll be able to have a great life (assuming everything works out).
It just makes me angry to know that I'm not doing this entirely for myself.
And so, I can't help but think - what if I had defied my parents? Would I be a lot happier? What would my life be like now if I chose to follow my own path? Where would I be?
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